Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
