I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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