i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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