i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
