Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
