He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize