i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
