a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
