I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize