fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
