I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
