I can tuck mytits in my pants
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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