another moral hangover. fuck.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
even my farts smell like vagina
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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