we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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