Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
