I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
