She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
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When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
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It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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