Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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