Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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