just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
