i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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