Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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