just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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