Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
