I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
