VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
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I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
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Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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