Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
