White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
