I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
