mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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