Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
