she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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