Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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