I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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