I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
