I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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