That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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