i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
