Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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