walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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