i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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