I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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