Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
