so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
