I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
a search helicopter?!
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
