That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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