i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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