drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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