I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I think your dad took our porno
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
