New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
