I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I wish they made helmets for livers.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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