Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
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I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.