Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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