she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
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Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
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There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The Olympian is in my bed