Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
