You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
