life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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