Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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